Sam's Kindergarten Physical

first of all, he had to pee in a cup ahead of time. This, to Sam, was probably the most exciting event of the summer. I told him about it the day before because I wasn't sure how he would react to it AND I figured he would help me remember. His first reaction? "In a cup? Why? Are they going to drink it?" Then, once I assured him that it was for examiniation purposes only, he was fascinated with the idea and was eager to tell anyone who would listen that he was going to get to pee in a cup...this included people at McDonald's who really DIDN'T need to know, but were polite.

He peed in the cup Wednesday night and then Thursday morning he reminded me to bring the pee and we promptly left the house, drove all the way to the ped and I realized that I had forgotten it, so we had to go back. Ugh. Back across town and then back. As I signed him in, he annouced to the receptionist, "We had to go home because we forgot my pee in a cup." Nice.

We worked on his alphabet workbook in the lobby while we waited and when he finished a page, I told him to write his name at the top of the page. He looked at me very seriously and asked, "Why? Is it a contract?" I had no immediate answer for that one. Uh, no, Sam, we just write a name on it...look, there's the letter F.

Linda, our nurse called him back, and as you can guess, he announced, "We brought my pee!" The other people in the lobby were amused. Linda ushered him into the first room and had him take off his shoes, but first, I had to hand off the cup so he could refocus. As soon as she set it on the counter, he asked her, "Well, are you going to scan it?" I don't know what kind of tests he'd conjured up in his head...now I wish I had asked him to draw a picture. She told him she would later and had him step on the scale, which he thought was some sort of "robotic ruler" and then measured him. He was very excited to know that he was now 44' and 44 lbs. and was thus "very big now!". He asked her if she was "impressed." She was, of course.

We moved on to the exam room. There she put him on the table and told him she was going to do his blood pressure and that it would squeeze his arm a little bit, which, naturally, he remembered and he described for her in play-by-play detail from a visit he dredged up from God knows where in his memory. She was eventually able to check his pressure and he was pleasantly surprised to learn that it didn't hurt anymore. Thank God. She left--with strict orders from Sam to "go scan the pee now, please."

We waited--and he worked in his workbook--and he asked about 32 questions about what else they were going to do. We'd tentatively told him there might be "pokes", so he was beginning to obsess on that. He was also not sure what a stethoscope was and how did it listen to his lungs--he'd confused it with an X Ray. I was explaining that for the 12th time when the hearing and eye test tech came in. We headed to her screening room--there wasn't enough room for me. Darn. She said I could go wait in the other room. As I left, he was telling her about, you guessed it, the pee in a cup and he might have to get "poked" today. Blessherheart.

He returned--all normal.

Doctor T. came in. He'd not seen Sam in awhile, so he gave the appropriate oohs and ahhs over his growth (which Sam totally appreciated and hammed up for) and chatted him up a bit. The pee, for some reason, didn't even come up. I think Sam was too impressed by the steth.

As they talked, Sam somehow showed him his fingers, which have some remnants of burn-blisters on them. Dr. T. inspected them and asked him where they came from. Sam said, "I touched a muffler." Very matter of factly. Dr. T. seemed a bit taken aback (and looked at me). Not that I think he would call DCS on me or anything, I prompted Sam, "And Sam, WHY did you touch the muffler?"

Sam's answer, "Because I didn't believe it was hot." Dr. T. did a double take. Sam grinned. (He'd been with W. and his friend Mike. Mike had his motorcycle. Mike got off the motorcycle and let Sam look at the motorcycle, which he's done 1,000 times before. He was cautioning Sam about getting on one without an adult, etc. and then said, NEVER touch the muffler, it's very hot. Sam looked at him and W. and then, before they could even blink reached right down and just touched it.) Dr. T. said, "Well, that wasn't very wise, was it?" Sam said, "No--I believe them now. Won't do THAT again. But it didn't look hot."

Then the exam. Sam did very well, although when Dr. T. examined his eyes, Sam complained bitterly that his eyes were "burned like lasers" and he never DID figure out how the stethoscope worked. He was not all sure why the doctor needed to check his stomach out since there was nothing wrong and that lead to a discussion which divereted him, thank God, so he didn't even seem to notice when he check out his penis. I can't even IMAGINE what he would have said about that if he'd not been otherwise engaged. He insisted that the doctor see his muscles. When we talked about safety and swimming, Sam had several thoughts on water/swim lessons/Nana's pool, etc.

As he left, Dr. T. mentioned that he needed his last three immunzations and we discussed them. Then he told Sam it was good to see him, etc. Did he want some stickers? No, no stickers. Then he mentioned that he had some that you could "dress" and Sam perked up and took the stickers. Then, as Dr. T. was leaving, Sam said, "I thought you were going to give me some shots?" He seemed relieved and accusatory at the same time. Dr. T. explained that he wasn't any good at giving shots and that Linda was going to do that for him instead. Sam was immeditely very distressed and began to whimper. Dr. T. told him that Linda was "the best shot giver around" and that she gave him HIS shots every year and she gave Jay his shots, too. Sam wanted to know why he had to HAVE shots...more discussion ensued. Lots more. This is why I would pay Dr. T. in blood if I had to. He is so patient and he explained everything to Sam in just enough "detail" that he was satisfied, but not freaked out and not left asking questions.

When he left, Sam had four set of fireman stickers to "dress" and Dr. T. said, "You can make them all look different." Silly Dr. T. Sam immediately did one and then said, "Cool. Now I can make clones!!" And damn, if he didn't come as close to making clones as a 5-year-old with fine motor delays using tiny little stickers could possibly do. It was freaky. Then he started mixing them up and giving them weird body parts....until....

Shot time. He did so well, overall. I was very proud of him. Three pokes and it was over. He flinched on the first one, so I had to hold his arm better. Then, on the second one, he asked me to hold his arm and when I did, I accidently squished his hand. The only upside to that is he was so distracted by the squish that Linda had the other two shots done before he knew what was happening. Then, in the hubbub, I leaned on his foot and caused further insult. It took about 30 seconds to calm him down and then he realized it was all over and he said, "that really hurt me". I praised him for being so brave and he got a hug and then he wiped his face and nodded. He looked around. Linda handed me the papers, I got him down from the table and told him we could go. He stopped cold and turned to Linda and asked her, "Wait! We can't leave yet. When will you do the test?"

Test? We did all tests.

"The test on my pee!"

Oh, that test. I told him she'd already done that test. She did it when we first got there. In her little room.

"Well, I want to see the test."

I'm speechless. See the test? Uh, Sam, there's nothing to see. Poor Linda. She's probably never heard this one before.

"You mean I can't see the scan? I wanted to seeeeee the testtttttt! You said we'd see the test!"

I hand Sam the receipt/diagnosis form. "Look Sam, it's in writing. That's all there is to see." Linda leaves. We move down the hall. Sam walks out behind me.

"You've got to be kidding me. This is it?"

I guess he expected something a bit more....techinical? *sigh*